don'tcha
i have to stop watching mtv. i don't even watch that much, but nevertheless it's enough that about two of my every three thoughts are:
don'tcha wish your girlfriend was HOT LIKE ME?!?!
don'tcha wish your girlfriend was a FREAK LIKE ME?!?!
that said, the pussycat dolls are probably the greatest band in existence; also, watching mtv means that occasionally you get to see one or another more-or-less-meaningless awards show, like the VMAs a few days ago, that everyone treats as if it is the greatest awards show of all time. green day--who would have guessed?--swept the VMAs, and this was apparently huge news, for the unspoken reason that green day is sort of old, especially for its lead singer to be wearing an entire bottle of mascara on his face. it was kind of awesome to see mtv reporters attempting to skirt the issue while really, really wanting to talk about it:
perky asian-american mtv reporter: i mean--wow, you guys must just be like--OH MY GOD!, you know? because you've done so many, uh, albums, and it's--i mean, you've been around... and done a bunch of albums. and then--well what are you thinking right now!!
billie joe: yeah, we're excited.
pa-amtvr: i mean did you EVER THINK... that this would happen. i mean, being around for--well, a while--and then coming out with, uh, i mean having a bunch of albums that came out before this one... and then coming out with another one. i mean that is just incredible.
"mike" or "tre": what?
pa-amtvr: i mean you guys have just had an amazing career... and we thought it was TOTALLY OVER LIKE FIVE YEARS AGO! because you are WAY OLD! i mean, fuck.
but mostly the #1 topic of the VMAs was how awesome the VMAs were. i have never before seen such a large group of people come to such a sweeping consensus, but the subject of virtually every interview was how the VMAs were probably the greatest award of all time. to be honest, it was a lot like watching CNN international. CNN international is about 50% commercials--five minutes of news, five minutes of ads--and a good 90% of those commercials are for CNN itself. if you flip on CNN, chances are good that it's going to be something like "TOP STORY: CNN IS TOTALLY SWEET" or a guy named "richard quest" bellowing at you about how he is the ultimate business traveler and if you don't watch his show, you will immediately lose $50,000.
as for the VMAs, i was skeptical as to their way-awesomeness until--and in hindsight, i am ashamed of not having anticipated this--r. kelly took the stage. r. kelly will probably be remembered as the voice of our times, a bard whose equal has never been known, the post-modern poet-king whose words--with or against our consent--govern our thoughts and define our days, whose mighty and immortal texts will consume the careers of thousands--millions--of future thinkers and writers, historians and artists alike, the cornerstone of western culture itself.
his song was called "trapped in the closet." i really wish i could transcribe all of it here, but it was about ten minutes long and none of it repeats. there is no chorus. it is one enormous narrative. also, the music itself has two chords, which alternate back and forth for the full ten minutes. they are the same chords from the ending section of "i believe i can fly." comparisons to shakespeare and wagner are unavoidable.
synopsis:
r. kelly wakes up next to an unfamiliar woman. almost immediately, her husband comes home and r. kelly runs into the closet. the husband goes straight for the closet and finds r. kelly there. r. kelly, of course, pulls out a gun. the husband and the wife have an argument about whether or not the wife is a bitch. the husband's phone rings and it turns out the husband was about to have his own illicit rendezvous... WITH A DUDE. the dude walks in the door and everyone gets upset. r. kelly notes that he was "sitting there like what the fuck." then r. kelly calls home and a man picks up the phone at his house, and he leaves.
right, so that part was in a video that was broadcast to the audience. the next chapter is debuted (!!!) on stage by r. kelly in person (!!!!!!!!!!!!!). this chapter is what happens between kathy (wife), rufus (husband), and chuck (gay boyfriend of husband). r. kelly refuses to use pronouns, which is a good call, because then shit would get complicated. i don't know if can do justice to it, but i'll try:
and kathy says RUFUS, who is that
and chuck says RUFUS, who is THAT
and rufus says KATHY, i thought you were not HOME
and kathy says is that the man who called you on the PHONE
and rufus says KATHY, this is CHUCK
and kathy is all, what the fuck i don't BELIEVE THIS--this shit is EGREGIOUS
and chuck says KATHY, i didn't know you had a WIFE
and rufus says, bitch you were cheating on me
and then kathy gets all upset at chuck and says i can't believe you got with my HUSBAND
and chuck is like bitch he doesn't LOVE YOU
and rufus is like don't call my wife a bitch
and kathy is like RUFUS... how could you DO THIS
and rufus is like, i don't know what to do-o-o, i am so confused... FUCK BOTH OF YOU-U-U-U
and kathy is like i am so ANGRY
and chuck is like that woman has to LEAVE
and kathy is like fuck that queer i LI-I-I-IVE HERE
that is maybe the first thirty seconds. this goes on for a very long time. bear in mind that r. kelly is also gesturing to indicate the extremes of emotion that are depicted in the scene, mostly by shutting his eyes and holding his fist to his forehead.
trapped in the closet. please download this song. it is truly magical.
my gig went all right. the sound system was bad and i broke a string. people seemed to like it though. the consensus was that no one could really hear what i was doing, but i looked "WAY rock 'mrgh' roll." these people may have been drunk.
karaoke djing tonite, and my patented private-request architectour 2morrow. the beat drops, the party don't stop.
lurv,
j
don'tcha wish your girlfriend was HOT LIKE ME?!?!
don'tcha wish your girlfriend was a FREAK LIKE ME?!?!
that said, the pussycat dolls are probably the greatest band in existence; also, watching mtv means that occasionally you get to see one or another more-or-less-meaningless awards show, like the VMAs a few days ago, that everyone treats as if it is the greatest awards show of all time. green day--who would have guessed?--swept the VMAs, and this was apparently huge news, for the unspoken reason that green day is sort of old, especially for its lead singer to be wearing an entire bottle of mascara on his face. it was kind of awesome to see mtv reporters attempting to skirt the issue while really, really wanting to talk about it:
perky asian-american mtv reporter: i mean--wow, you guys must just be like--OH MY GOD!, you know? because you've done so many, uh, albums, and it's--i mean, you've been around... and done a bunch of albums. and then--well what are you thinking right now!!
billie joe: yeah, we're excited.
pa-amtvr: i mean did you EVER THINK... that this would happen. i mean, being around for--well, a while--and then coming out with, uh, i mean having a bunch of albums that came out before this one... and then coming out with another one. i mean that is just incredible.
"mike" or "tre": what?
pa-amtvr: i mean you guys have just had an amazing career... and we thought it was TOTALLY OVER LIKE FIVE YEARS AGO! because you are WAY OLD! i mean, fuck.
but mostly the #1 topic of the VMAs was how awesome the VMAs were. i have never before seen such a large group of people come to such a sweeping consensus, but the subject of virtually every interview was how the VMAs were probably the greatest award of all time. to be honest, it was a lot like watching CNN international. CNN international is about 50% commercials--five minutes of news, five minutes of ads--and a good 90% of those commercials are for CNN itself. if you flip on CNN, chances are good that it's going to be something like "TOP STORY: CNN IS TOTALLY SWEET" or a guy named "richard quest" bellowing at you about how he is the ultimate business traveler and if you don't watch his show, you will immediately lose $50,000.
as for the VMAs, i was skeptical as to their way-awesomeness until--and in hindsight, i am ashamed of not having anticipated this--r. kelly took the stage. r. kelly will probably be remembered as the voice of our times, a bard whose equal has never been known, the post-modern poet-king whose words--with or against our consent--govern our thoughts and define our days, whose mighty and immortal texts will consume the careers of thousands--millions--of future thinkers and writers, historians and artists alike, the cornerstone of western culture itself.
his song was called "trapped in the closet." i really wish i could transcribe all of it here, but it was about ten minutes long and none of it repeats. there is no chorus. it is one enormous narrative. also, the music itself has two chords, which alternate back and forth for the full ten minutes. they are the same chords from the ending section of "i believe i can fly." comparisons to shakespeare and wagner are unavoidable.
synopsis:
r. kelly wakes up next to an unfamiliar woman. almost immediately, her husband comes home and r. kelly runs into the closet. the husband goes straight for the closet and finds r. kelly there. r. kelly, of course, pulls out a gun. the husband and the wife have an argument about whether or not the wife is a bitch. the husband's phone rings and it turns out the husband was about to have his own illicit rendezvous... WITH A DUDE. the dude walks in the door and everyone gets upset. r. kelly notes that he was "sitting there like what the fuck." then r. kelly calls home and a man picks up the phone at his house, and he leaves.
right, so that part was in a video that was broadcast to the audience. the next chapter is debuted (!!!) on stage by r. kelly in person (!!!!!!!!!!!!!). this chapter is what happens between kathy (wife), rufus (husband), and chuck (gay boyfriend of husband). r. kelly refuses to use pronouns, which is a good call, because then shit would get complicated. i don't know if can do justice to it, but i'll try:
and kathy says RUFUS, who is that
and chuck says RUFUS, who is THAT
and rufus says KATHY, i thought you were not HOME
and kathy says is that the man who called you on the PHONE
and rufus says KATHY, this is CHUCK
and kathy is all, what the fuck i don't BELIEVE THIS--this shit is EGREGIOUS
and chuck says KATHY, i didn't know you had a WIFE
and rufus says, bitch you were cheating on me
and then kathy gets all upset at chuck and says i can't believe you got with my HUSBAND
and chuck is like bitch he doesn't LOVE YOU
and rufus is like don't call my wife a bitch
and kathy is like RUFUS... how could you DO THIS
and rufus is like, i don't know what to do-o-o, i am so confused... FUCK BOTH OF YOU-U-U-U
and kathy is like i am so ANGRY
and chuck is like that woman has to LEAVE
and kathy is like fuck that queer i LI-I-I-IVE HERE
that is maybe the first thirty seconds. this goes on for a very long time. bear in mind that r. kelly is also gesturing to indicate the extremes of emotion that are depicted in the scene, mostly by shutting his eyes and holding his fist to his forehead.
trapped in the closet. please download this song. it is truly magical.
my gig went all right. the sound system was bad and i broke a string. people seemed to like it though. the consensus was that no one could really hear what i was doing, but i looked "WAY rock 'mrgh' roll." these people may have been drunk.
karaoke djing tonite, and my patented private-request architectour 2morrow. the beat drops, the party don't stop.
lurv,
j
posted by jesse at 2:41 AM
4 Comments:
Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was RAW LIKE ME?!?!
Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was FUN LIKE ME?!?!
FUCK you triggered it again! When oh God when will the hurting stop!
jesse, you are amazing. you managed to talk about r.kelly and his legacy to the world without mentioning the whole thing. you know what i'm talking about.
but also you forgot to mention that while the video for the closet song is pretty awesome, the song(s) it(them)self(ves) spews(-s) chunks of goat liver at a high rate of speed. seriously, i listened to parts 1-4 in an HMV once on one of their little headphone things, and by the end i wanted him to just stop the music and the singing and get to the goddamned point. like beck. or jewel.
are you familiar with this one?
joel must have taught it to you at some point.
south bosTON
where i first learned to RUN
where i first learned to GUN
where i first had by FUN
oh god i can't stop.
you are probably the best internet writer ever. i am serious about thsi.
can i read your book?
my favorite part is that one chorus where one of them repeats(/snarls/growls) the last word:
Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?!?! (RAW)
very performative.
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